World Of Violence

You must know this: Humanity has turned to violence.

If we become too strict with you while you are growing up, it's because I've seen my share of victims of violence in my lifetime.

Having to work in a trauma centre hospital, I encounter them every duty night.  I have scanned patients who are victims of mauling, vehicular crashes and stab wounds.  All of them barely breathing because of the pain inflicted on them.  Some of them sputtering blood and vomit from their mouths.  I don't mean to be graphic BUT YOU MUST KNOW THIS.

Before I had you, I wonder why people still want to have children when they know that this world is not anymore fit for any child.  But I'm like other people, I wanted to have you.  And you're father and I are doing our best to protect you from what we know could harm you tremendously without being able to regain what you would have lost.  I know why we (along with other parents) would burden ourselves with this.  It is purely unconditional love.  I guess I know how at this point.

However, I believe that I was being selfish when I had you. We were taught in school that love is open to life.  Your father and I love each other very much.  And so God gave you to us because our love made me ask God for me to have you.  (I hope by this time you would understand this.)  It was selfish for me to think of my need to have you and not think of what I may be able to give you back when you're now here.  

Fact is, I cannot protect you from this violent world.

What your father and I can only do is restrict you.  However, you may not like restrictions (who does?)  It would be very hard for me when the time comes when I have to let you go off on your own.  I would be like my own mother.  And I think you would hate me as much as I hate my own mother when I am smothering you like she does to me.  Now I understand the worry.  (karma is going to hit me big time)

All I want you to have is your safety and protection and your happiness.  If you could have all three, then I'd be living and dying in peace.

All your father and I could do is bring you up as best as we could so that you are well-equipped to face this world's harsh reality.

Keep safe always Anak. Please. For momma.

Need A Little Break

Your irresponsible mother didn't go to work for two straight working days.  

Your momma right now is a radiology resident on her third year.  It's okay that she is doing so much work at work.  Your momma is a masochist and she doesn't mind.  What she minds is that she (along with her other batch mates) is doing most of the work while those ahead of her and those a year behind her are just roaming around the department pretending to be doing something.  

I want you to know the value of work.  Work with a purpose. Then, you will see how important your everyday tasks are.  

It will definitely build your character.  If it's not the tasks, it's the people who will make it more difficult than it is.  Make it simple by focusing on what you are supposed to do.  It would be hard to ignore the unnecessary because they will definitely try to get your attention.  But you have to be strong enough to focus on what you should do and block whatever it is that is wasting your oh-so-precious time.    

When you're working around people, you have to do your part.  Even the menial tasks matter.  You might think that they're not that necessary.  However, in all kinds of structures, a weak post will topple the rest.  You have to do it right.  If you make a mistake and you cannot undo it (which is true in most cases), you have to do something right the next.  Just remember: FIRST, DO NO HARM.  But that doesn't mean doing nothing at all. 

However, if your goal during your training (if ever you're going to enter this field) is compromised, then you have to do something.  If your goal is earning money and your doing the exact opposite (after giving it a chance and enough time), you have to think of another way to reach the goal.  

Today, even my batch mates are not at work.  We have all decided that we leave the department alone on their own for now.  It would have been better if it was a Monday so they would even feel the workload.  I guess people get fed up with people too.  

If you have to relieve yourself from the workplace, do it.  But you have to come back and do more the next day.  A break is not bad.  It is actually a big help for you.  Freshen up if you have to.  It helps you to be more productive after being burnt out.  

To make your life easy, you have to love your work.  Most people don't have a choice when it comes to what work they will get into. If ever there comes a time that this happens to you, please bear in mind that your work does not define you, you have to define your work.  You have to make it good.  If it entails a lot of strength and a lot of time, make sure it is worth it.  

I love my work because I love my family - you and Papa.  I'm supposed to be working for your future but what is actually happening is that I'm working for today.  Earning is very hard.  And getting by everyday is a miracle.  For now, we are poor.  I don't know for how long.  I truly pray that there will be work for me everyday for you.  

By now you understand what work is (somehow).  Whenever we say goodbye to you in bed very early in the morning, Papa explains to you that we have to go to work to buy milk, to buy toys, to buy all the things you want and need.  Sometimes, you say it yourself.  Papa doesn't need to repeat it.  You know that work gives what you need.  You're smart like that.  And so it makes it more easier to leave you because you understand.   

 

National Anthem

They must have been teaching you the National Anthem in school because that's your favourite song these days.  You go around the house singing your heart out.

Today, we were in the supermarket and I went away for a minute to look for something.  When I was trying to go back to you and papa, it was easy for me because I can hear you sing it a couple of feet away.  I knew you were both around because I, along with the other Sunday grocers, can hear you sing and actually babble the lyrics that are somewhat incomprehensible.  

Pack Away!

You have got to learn how to pack away, anak.  Don't leave your mess behind and relying on others to do it for you.  You said so yourself when Papa asked you to pack away, "Yaya's there!" We can't help but be amused at what you had just said but it won't be for very long.  Doing it yourself is more amusing.  

You have to clean up your mess.  

I've heard from somewhere that when you leave a place (or a human being), make sure you leave it in a state better than it was before.  Do not leave a place (or a person) after you have just caused some kind of damage or worse, destruction.  Be able to pick up the pieces even if it's not for your own direct good.  Indirectly, you would feel much better - no regrets.  

Choose To Be Happy

There are times that you suddenly decide to be grumpy at anyone.  And when I ask you why, you get grumpier.  You make this sound between a "Hmp!" and a growl.  Yes, anak, you growl since the age of two (turning three).  Your papa and I laugh and I wonder silently if I'm raising you right.

When I offer you some form of bribe just so you would stop being grumpy, you seem to get grumpier too.  It's like a losing battle for me.  You are so incoherent when you're mad.  Mommy cannot seem to understand a thing you are saying.  It's like your whining and huffing and puffing and growling.

But then I found a way through that grumpiness.  Every time you huff and you puff (like the wolf in Three Little Pigs tale), I make that funny face and gestures (well, I think they're funny) to make you see that your anger affects mommy.  Bribing never works for you.  I have to get weird in order to make you smile.  You really are a handful.

Your papa does something else.  When you get mad, he gets annoyed.  And he gets mad.  He pretends that he doesn't want to talk to you (because you say so yourself - You don't want to talk to him).  Now that's a battle you have been losing because once papa decides he doesn't want to talk to you, that's when you try to convince him that he wants to talk to you.  I hear you say to him, "Sorry papa" at the age of 2 (turning three).  And it's so cute.

On a side note: this morning when we were on our way out of the house (because I'm dropping you off at your grandma's house), you said out loud "I love you mama".  Thank you anak.  "I love you too!"

Well, I hope that you will grow less and less grumpy.  When you make your own decisions, decide on being happy.

Your own happiness is up to you.  Be happy with yourself.  Do not rely on anyone (even momma and papa) to make you happy.  We cannot do that for you.  We always try but in reality anak, it has been always up to you.

I truly hope that when you grow older, you'll grow wiser and more content than ever.  I don't want you to be like those people I have encountered who wallow in their losses or sadness or misfortune.  GET PAST THEM.  Don't stay in that point on your life when you have been deceived, when you have failed. You are still one of the human race.  Failure is part of being human. Losing something or somebody is part of being human.  And moving on may be the hardest thing for you but since are human, you are equipped to do so.

Your papa and I are raising you not with the luxuries money (which we don't have) can buy, but with the necessities that will able you to grow as normal and as tough as can be.   I don't want you to be tough at all times, but be tough if you have to.  You can run to me, your papa or God at the end of the day.   Our loving arms are always waiting for you.

Be happy.  That is all.

So This Is Christmas

We have just spent our Christmas together - you, me and Papa - without the need for explanation and excuses.

It was very simple and not so quiet.  We had ChocoMucho to give away to the kids who knocked on our door Christmas morning.  And you learned how to give them yourself by counting heads first and then counting how many bars of chocolate that you ought to hand out.  It was the highlight of the day.  It went on until noon time.  Probably, the sun was too hot for the kids to walk around the neighbourhood.

You were wondering about Yaya and were asking if you could go to Kuya Gabino's place.  I told you that Yaya was in her mommy and daddy's house.  And as for Kuya Gabino, I told you that he was in Tagaytay with your Lolo and Lola at their rest house.  Beforehand, you said you didn't want to go to Tagaytay so the conversation ended there.

We had pork roast by your papa and I tried making mini pizzas.  You liked them but I refused to give them to you as much as you wanted because I burned their bottoms.  So Papa cooked the next batch.  However, by that time, you preferred eating his marinated and fried bangus belly - your favourite.

I know Christmas should be about Christ our Lord.  I just mentioned it to you once but I don't think you know him yet.  For myself, I know about Him (but I don't really know Him) but I have given your happiness the utmost importance this Christmas.   Remind me to work on this.

For me, Christmas is about your happiness and family.  Finally, we had one.

Right at this moment, I'm waiting for you to wake up.  Your breakfast is ready.  Papa prepared it before he left for work.  I'm browsing our videos in You Tube and trying to put proper titles on them. Most of them are about you.

I love you.  We had just a great Christmas.

Have A Just Cause

Your momma believes that she is doing all this for you.  

You are her just cause.

You deserve a family.

You deserve good memories. 

Before I had you, I didn’t have any just cause, only selfish ones.  It was all about me.  When I go rebel against your grandparents, it’s all about what I want.  But when you came along, I was tamed.  I swallowed my pride once too often.  And somehow, I understood what they went through when they were trying to raise me.  

I appreciated my parents more and more when I had you.  

They did everything for us.  And I’m going to do the same, even if it means that I have to defy them and putting them second best.  

When you grow older and understand all these, I will understand that you have to do things you have to do.  But until I see that you have a just cause, I will be breathing down your neck.  Just kidding!  

For now, I will raise you in a way that you may be able to decide which is just and and which is not.  You have to have a purpose so everything will be easy for you when it is actually taking all your time and energy.  

At the end of the day, your papa and me are waiting for you so that you may take your rest to move on the next day.