Is There Any Ouchy?

Why hide from Momma?

God has not given you to me just so I could make judgements on you.

I feel the need to take care of you.  So please forgive mommy if sometimes, I get carried away and smother you.  I didn't mean to.

At the age of three, you already have the tendency to hide "them" from me.  "Them" meaning all the things that hurt you.

Via, I'm here so that you can talk to someone.  I'll always be here to listen and try not to make judgement.  I'll restrain myself from making my usual hysterics and outburst.

I know myself and I know that I can overreact more often than not.  And when it comes to you, I overreact more intensely than others can.  Forgive me, but it's because you are my child - I don't care how old you get.

But I'm promising myself not to be my usual self when you're around.  I will try to hide my emotions for you.  I'll do everything I can so as not to turn you away because right now, you are doing just that.

I don't understand why you won't show the "ouchy" or tell momma what happened.  We're supposed to be the closest people because we've never been apart.  I'm your mommy.  I'm here to protect you.

I'd be an utter failure if you won't confide in me.  I cannot be your momma if I don't know what's going on with my own daughter.  I'd be like all the other mothers that I despised - seeming not to care about their own kids and seeming not to care about anyone but themselves.

Please learn how to confide in me.  I'm here to listen.

Via First

I think that's what our household is all about while you are growing up.  Our priority is to provide all of your needs.  We try to make room for you all the time.  It's not only us that is wishing for your happiness.  Even your grandparents (on my side of the family) is always on the lookout for your well-being.

However, this is not a reason for you to grow self-centred.  We hope you give the same consideration that we are giving you.  We are hoping but never forcing you to do so.  Forcing you will probably do you no good.

It is actually easier for us to attain your happiness instead of ours.  You have to remember, Via, that it is always easier to make other people happy than trying to make yourself happy.  This holds so true.  I don't know if many people will agree though.

There are so many problems in this world because people are selfish.  So in order not to create further problems, make sure that you refrain from making yourself too happy.  It creates trouble for everyone.  I don't really mean that what makes you happy is bad.  What I mean is a disregard for others feelings and well-being is bad.

This doesn't mean you have to disregard your own happiness.  We didn't do all those sacrifices for you just so you could be unhappy.  The key is balance.

You put yourself first ... among with other people.   That is all.

World Of Violence

You must know this: Humanity has turned to violence.

If we become too strict with you while you are growing up, it's because I've seen my share of victims of violence in my lifetime.

Having to work in a trauma centre hospital, I encounter them every duty night.  I have scanned patients who are victims of mauling, vehicular crashes and stab wounds.  All of them barely breathing because of the pain inflicted on them.  Some of them sputtering blood and vomit from their mouths.  I don't mean to be graphic BUT YOU MUST KNOW THIS.

Before I had you, I wonder why people still want to have children when they know that this world is not anymore fit for any child.  But I'm like other people, I wanted to have you.  And you're father and I are doing our best to protect you from what we know could harm you tremendously without being able to regain what you would have lost.  I know why we (along with other parents) would burden ourselves with this.  It is purely unconditional love.  I guess I know how at this point.

However, I believe that I was being selfish when I had you. We were taught in school that love is open to life.  Your father and I love each other very much.  And so God gave you to us because our love made me ask God for me to have you.  (I hope by this time you would understand this.)  It was selfish for me to think of my need to have you and not think of what I may be able to give you back when you're now here.  

Fact is, I cannot protect you from this violent world.

What your father and I can only do is restrict you.  However, you may not like restrictions (who does?)  It would be very hard for me when the time comes when I have to let you go off on your own.  I would be like my own mother.  And I think you would hate me as much as I hate my own mother when I am smothering you like she does to me.  Now I understand the worry.  (karma is going to hit me big time)

All I want you to have is your safety and protection and your happiness.  If you could have all three, then I'd be living and dying in peace.

All your father and I could do is bring you up as best as we could so that you are well-equipped to face this world's harsh reality.

Keep safe always Anak. Please. For momma.

Need A Little Break

Your irresponsible mother didn't go to work for two straight working days.  

Your momma right now is a radiology resident on her third year.  It's okay that she is doing so much work at work.  Your momma is a masochist and she doesn't mind.  What she minds is that she (along with her other batch mates) is doing most of the work while those ahead of her and those a year behind her are just roaming around the department pretending to be doing something.  

I want you to know the value of work.  Work with a purpose. Then, you will see how important your everyday tasks are.  

It will definitely build your character.  If it's not the tasks, it's the people who will make it more difficult than it is.  Make it simple by focusing on what you are supposed to do.  It would be hard to ignore the unnecessary because they will definitely try to get your attention.  But you have to be strong enough to focus on what you should do and block whatever it is that is wasting your oh-so-precious time.    

When you're working around people, you have to do your part.  Even the menial tasks matter.  You might think that they're not that necessary.  However, in all kinds of structures, a weak post will topple the rest.  You have to do it right.  If you make a mistake and you cannot undo it (which is true in most cases), you have to do something right the next.  Just remember: FIRST, DO NO HARM.  But that doesn't mean doing nothing at all. 

However, if your goal during your training (if ever you're going to enter this field) is compromised, then you have to do something.  If your goal is earning money and your doing the exact opposite (after giving it a chance and enough time), you have to think of another way to reach the goal.  

Today, even my batch mates are not at work.  We have all decided that we leave the department alone on their own for now.  It would have been better if it was a Monday so they would even feel the workload.  I guess people get fed up with people too.  

If you have to relieve yourself from the workplace, do it.  But you have to come back and do more the next day.  A break is not bad.  It is actually a big help for you.  Freshen up if you have to.  It helps you to be more productive after being burnt out.  

To make your life easy, you have to love your work.  Most people don't have a choice when it comes to what work they will get into. If ever there comes a time that this happens to you, please bear in mind that your work does not define you, you have to define your work.  You have to make it good.  If it entails a lot of strength and a lot of time, make sure it is worth it.  

I love my work because I love my family - you and Papa.  I'm supposed to be working for your future but what is actually happening is that I'm working for today.  Earning is very hard.  And getting by everyday is a miracle.  For now, we are poor.  I don't know for how long.  I truly pray that there will be work for me everyday for you.  

By now you understand what work is (somehow).  Whenever we say goodbye to you in bed very early in the morning, Papa explains to you that we have to go to work to buy milk, to buy toys, to buy all the things you want and need.  Sometimes, you say it yourself.  Papa doesn't need to repeat it.  You know that work gives what you need.  You're smart like that.  And so it makes it more easier to leave you because you understand.   

 

National Anthem

They must have been teaching you the National Anthem in school because that's your favourite song these days.  You go around the house singing your heart out.

Today, we were in the supermarket and I went away for a minute to look for something.  When I was trying to go back to you and papa, it was easy for me because I can hear you sing it a couple of feet away.  I knew you were both around because I, along with the other Sunday grocers, can hear you sing and actually babble the lyrics that are somewhat incomprehensible.  

Pack Away!

You have got to learn how to pack away, anak.  Don't leave your mess behind and relying on others to do it for you.  You said so yourself when Papa asked you to pack away, "Yaya's there!" We can't help but be amused at what you had just said but it won't be for very long.  Doing it yourself is more amusing.  

You have to clean up your mess.  

I've heard from somewhere that when you leave a place (or a human being), make sure you leave it in a state better than it was before.  Do not leave a place (or a person) after you have just caused some kind of damage or worse, destruction.  Be able to pick up the pieces even if it's not for your own direct good.  Indirectly, you would feel much better - no regrets.  

Choose To Be Happy

There are times that you suddenly decide to be grumpy at anyone.  And when I ask you why, you get grumpier.  You make this sound between a "Hmp!" and a growl.  Yes, anak, you growl since the age of two (turning three).  Your papa and I laugh and I wonder silently if I'm raising you right.

When I offer you some form of bribe just so you would stop being grumpy, you seem to get grumpier too.  It's like a losing battle for me.  You are so incoherent when you're mad.  Mommy cannot seem to understand a thing you are saying.  It's like your whining and huffing and puffing and growling.

But then I found a way through that grumpiness.  Every time you huff and you puff (like the wolf in Three Little Pigs tale), I make that funny face and gestures (well, I think they're funny) to make you see that your anger affects mommy.  Bribing never works for you.  I have to get weird in order to make you smile.  You really are a handful.

Your papa does something else.  When you get mad, he gets annoyed.  And he gets mad.  He pretends that he doesn't want to talk to you (because you say so yourself - You don't want to talk to him).  Now that's a battle you have been losing because once papa decides he doesn't want to talk to you, that's when you try to convince him that he wants to talk to you.  I hear you say to him, "Sorry papa" at the age of 2 (turning three).  And it's so cute.

On a side note: this morning when we were on our way out of the house (because I'm dropping you off at your grandma's house), you said out loud "I love you mama".  Thank you anak.  "I love you too!"

Well, I hope that you will grow less and less grumpy.  When you make your own decisions, decide on being happy.

Your own happiness is up to you.  Be happy with yourself.  Do not rely on anyone (even momma and papa) to make you happy.  We cannot do that for you.  We always try but in reality anak, it has been always up to you.

I truly hope that when you grow older, you'll grow wiser and more content than ever.  I don't want you to be like those people I have encountered who wallow in their losses or sadness or misfortune.  GET PAST THEM.  Don't stay in that point on your life when you have been deceived, when you have failed. You are still one of the human race.  Failure is part of being human. Losing something or somebody is part of being human.  And moving on may be the hardest thing for you but since are human, you are equipped to do so.

Your papa and I are raising you not with the luxuries money (which we don't have) can buy, but with the necessities that will able you to grow as normal and as tough as can be.   I don't want you to be tough at all times, but be tough if you have to.  You can run to me, your papa or God at the end of the day.   Our loving arms are always waiting for you.

Be happy.  That is all.