Mad Mommy

Okay, I deserve that.  You may call me that since for the last couple of months, I have nothing but animosity between me and your father. 

It seems like everything that he does irritates and annoys me which triggers the witch mode in me. I am so sorry to cause you so much heartache, Anak.  I have no good excuse to treat your father that way in front of you however valid my excuses why I treat him the way I do.

So by now, you should know what makes me the "Mad Mommy" you seem to name me.  First of all, I hate repeating myself.  You and your father do that to me.  I just can't seem to have patience for those who disregards instructions and rules that I have to say out loud again and again.  This is tiresome for me and ends up with me shouting and hurting people that I love namely, you.

And what gets to me even more, is how you cover up for your Papa.  I hate that so much since he should be the one covering up and protecting you and considering your feelings. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

That should have made me happy.  Instead, I get so annoyed that your father is the one who needs protecting when he actually doesn't do anything for this family.  His presence makes you feel so secure.  I give him that. But a father should be more than that. He should at least try to provide for your needs. 

The most important thing I want you to learn as much as I am learning now is that you need to rely on yourself and not to others -  not even your future husband.  I am teaching you as much as I can on how to think for yourself. You have to find ways so that you end up depending on yourself and you are that dependable that you wouldn't need anyone to do things for you.

I am sorry that I cannot give you any more siblings.  I don't think I can handle one more.  I love you Anak but you make me so tired most of the time.  Almost all of my thoughts are on you.  Also, I have to be able to focus on the family business without which, there is nothing to provide for us.  We all rely on it.

You know that I am a doctor and that means, I know almost nothing about running a business like what we have now.  I'm hoping against hope that it will still be around when you are all grown up and able.  I'd like you to help me out too. Maybe you'll be better running it than anyone else besides Lola Mommy and Lolo Daddy.

Anyway, you have to forgive me Anak but I'm running out of patience with your father who seems to know how to provide for himself and himself alone.  You should know that he is able to take different kinds of work around but he refuses to.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave us alone but you wouldn't like that. In fact, the only reason I'm with him is because of you. And it makes me so mad when he doesn't even help you out with the things you need.  He must not know it but you're the only reason why we are still with him.  How I wish you outgrow him already.  But I guess that won't happen since you are the sweetest and most thoughtful daughter - girl - that I have encountered. 

I love you with all my heart.

Hoping For A Big School

Hi Anak.

It's Monday morning 6:09AM and you are still asleep.  I'm just enjoying my time before I have to prepare for your school day. It's swimming day for you.  There was a change in schedule.  I know how much you love your swimming class with your classmates.  However, until you know how to take a shower, and until your school provides better facilities, I'm not so happy about it.  

Last Saturday, we went to your cousin Gabino's school, La Salle, because it was their school fair. That night, you told me that Kuya Gab has a big school.  You took note how big the grounds were.  I thought you felt a bit envious and I felt bad about it.  I want you to go to a big school too.  Don't worry Anak, I'm working for it.  I'm just waiting for the day that you would know how you would take care of yourself.  Maybe, after 6th grade, I would transfer you to a nearby bigger school.  I would like you to go to a Chinese school.  Prior to that, I think I will schedule three summers for Chinese language for you.  

I have so many plans for your education and extra curricular activities.  I just wish I live long enough and I wish I will eventually have the means.  

You may not be going to a very good school but I do hope I'm able to make up for it.  So forgive Mommy if I turn into the most horrible mom whenever we are studying.  I want you to learn so much.  

By the way, yesterday, we started learning how to read time.  Once you get to easily handle reading time, we are going to start making a day schedule.  I want you to start learning about time management.  That's the plan for now.  

Need to go.  I'm listening to Thinking Pinoy (look him up).  He's my favorite source about politics.  I hope he's the same and still around when you're grown up and getting concerned about this things.  

Don't forget to read newspapers Anak. I love you.   

Everyone Loves Everyone

I put up a white board in our beside my daughter's study table months ago.  I play teacher most of the time to my daughter.  I couldn't afford a tutor, that's why.  I make my daughter's education my responsibility.  She is not excelling in any of her subjects unlike other kids but I'm still happy with her progress.  

I kind of blame myself when there is something she don't know that she ought to know.  However, it doesn't show because I resort to scolding her during study period at home.  And I always regret it.

I should always keep in mind that our home is her refuge since school is hard enough as it is.  It's unbelievable what they're teaching 5-year old these days.  I'm actually scared for my kid. 

The white board was supposed to be an aid to my after-school reinforcement plans.  However, my markers dry up not because of all the studying that we do but because of the drawings she always makes every single day.  

A couple of days ago, instead of seeing stick people and animals on the board, I saw words of how she feels about her family.  The upper most photo shows how she misspelled the word "LOVE".  It didn't matter because she knew the very essence of the word.  She knew that we have a lot of that here at home.  

I came home today to find the photo below it.  She correctly spelled the word "LOVE" this time.    

In our home, we say "I love you" a lot of times.  And I hope, the meaning of these words will grow with her, give her strength and courage in this lifetime and the next.  

Your Lola Mommy

You (and your cousin, Gab) are so very special to your Lola Mommy.  Did you know that at this time that she is battling with cancer and the complications that followed (or should I say piled up), you are her source of strength and most importantly, calm?  She loves you both very much.

She couldn't get it from herself but she finds it in you - the strength to go on and the calm of acceptance.

She always wants you to be around.  She even goes to the extent of bribing you with toys to make you stay in her place longer.  And of course, you appreciate it.  But at this young age, you only appreciate the colourful gifts but not yet the one who gave them to you.

She thinks of your future like it was her own.  She is planning your life already like how she did to me.  It is both good and bad.  It is good because the future she wants to push for you is a "perfect" one.  It is also bad because if ever she builds it in her head and heart, it would be hard for her to accept that you will make your own plans someday (which I will allow).  She dreams for both of you.  More intensely than your very own parents.  I guess there will be a greater chance of disappointing her than us.

In the future, I hope that you can say to her how grateful you are for watching over you, for thinking of you, for spending time with you.    And I hope that you will find within yourself all that she finds and aspires in you.  She sees only the good in you.  That's how much she loves and adores you.