You (and your cousin, Gab) are so very special to your Lola Mommy. Did you know that at this time that she is battling with cancer and the complications that followed (or should I say piled up), you are her source of strength and most importantly, calm? She loves you both very much.
She couldn't get it from herself but she finds it in you - the strength to go on and the calm of acceptance.
She always wants you to be around. She even goes to the extent of bribing you with toys to make you stay in her place longer. And of course, you appreciate it. But at this young age, you only appreciate the colourful gifts but not yet the one who gave them to you.
She thinks of your future like it was her own. She is planning your life already like how she did to me. It is both good and bad. It is good because the future she wants to push for you is a "perfect" one. It is also bad because if ever she builds it in her head and heart, it would be hard for her to accept that you will make your own plans someday (which I will allow). She dreams for both of you. More intensely than your very own parents. I guess there will be a greater chance of disappointing her than us.
In the future, I hope that you can say to her how grateful you are for watching over you, for thinking of you, for spending time with you. And I hope that you will find within yourself all that she finds and aspires in you. She sees only the good in you. That's how much she loves and adores you.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Swim Day
This is the second time I've missed seeing your swimming skills. Everyone has been saying that you were so great in the water making me regret that I went to work today! Your uncle Genesis told me that you were moving around the pool on your own. Your Tito Edel was saying that you were doing Butterfly strokes.
At the age of three, you are not afraid of the unknown - practically all the worst case scenario I'm worried about all the time. I'm so happy just to know that you enjoyed every minute of it. Even though I wasn't there, it doesn't matter that I wasn't missed.
You don't realise it but my presence was important to me. I want to be around. As I think about it now, it really doesn't matter if I was around this morning while you were having fun. It is more important that I'm around during your bad times instead. That's what I ask of you. Let me be around during those times, call me and your father. We will be there for you. Try to get our attention. Do it again and again until we turn to look at you and listen to what you have to say.
There'll be other swim days and I hope that I won't miss it next time. But if I do, please tell me all about it - every minute that I was not around.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Must Read
I grabbed this copy and hope to have it printed out. I found it in the net and I was hoping that I could remember everything by heart. Unfortunately, I don't have a retentive memory. So here, I am posting it for you to read.
“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for your convenience, not the callers. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river. Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don’t major in minor things. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes Learn from them and move on. Every person needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at his hour, they were at their very best. Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his death bed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office’. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Judge your success by the degree that you’re enjoying peace, health and love. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life and death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems. Never cut what can be untied. Never overestimate your power to change others. Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years. Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do. Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out. Spend less time worrying who’s right, more time deciding what’s right. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. The importance of winning is not what we get from it, but what we become because of it. When facing a difficult task, act as though it’s impossible to fail.”
— Jackson Brown Jr
“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for your convenience, not the callers. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river. Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don’t major in minor things. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes Learn from them and move on. Every person needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at his hour, they were at their very best. Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his death bed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office’. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Judge your success by the degree that you’re enjoying peace, health and love. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life and death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems. Never cut what can be untied. Never overestimate your power to change others. Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years. Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do. Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out. Spend less time worrying who’s right, more time deciding what’s right. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. The importance of winning is not what we get from it, but what we become because of it. When facing a difficult task, act as though it’s impossible to fail.”
— Jackson Brown Jr
Let It Go
Well, it's the craze right now and you're one of the hundreds of kids attached to the movie soundtrack (and the movie "Frozen" itself).
It's so wonderful to hear and see you try to sing along and move along the song while it is being played on my phone. It has been our bonding moment for days now. You always call my attention to sit beside you in bed while the movie is playing over and over again. You even do an imitation of Queen Elsa while singing that on the mountains - letting your hair down and flipping it on time (just like the Queen Elsa is doing in the movie).
You papa is peeking at the door while you and I try to sing out loud in bed. Sometimes, he comes in the room and tries to dance along. Of course, he tries to do a girly dance which ruins everything else.
I'm pretty sure that at this age (3 years old), you already have an idea what the movie is all about. You see what is going on. However, you don't really understand the moral yet.
I guess by the time that you are reading this, you probably have some idea of what it was really about - song and story and all.
It was all about knowing fully well who you are and making the best of what is there.
I guess the Ice Queen (from which the movie was based) was so restrained in her actions that she is not herself. Instead of learning how to control her powers (and talents), it was hidden just because people were ignorant about it. People around her wanted her to belong so as not to stand out, be different and be scared of.
The song is nice and I hope you can still have a copy of it and don't think it's immature or unsophisticated just because by the time you read this, there are other songs that you have heard that might be more catchy than the "Let It Go" song we both enjoy.
Just remember when you hear Queen Elsa singing that song in the movie, you and I both enjoyed it together. Sometimes you wrap your arm in momma's arm in bed while we watch it. It was the best Anak.
It's so wonderful to hear and see you try to sing along and move along the song while it is being played on my phone. It has been our bonding moment for days now. You always call my attention to sit beside you in bed while the movie is playing over and over again. You even do an imitation of Queen Elsa while singing that on the mountains - letting your hair down and flipping it on time (just like the Queen Elsa is doing in the movie).
You papa is peeking at the door while you and I try to sing out loud in bed. Sometimes, he comes in the room and tries to dance along. Of course, he tries to do a girly dance which ruins everything else.
I'm pretty sure that at this age (3 years old), you already have an idea what the movie is all about. You see what is going on. However, you don't really understand the moral yet.
I guess by the time that you are reading this, you probably have some idea of what it was really about - song and story and all.
It was all about knowing fully well who you are and making the best of what is there.
I guess the Ice Queen (from which the movie was based) was so restrained in her actions that she is not herself. Instead of learning how to control her powers (and talents), it was hidden just because people were ignorant about it. People around her wanted her to belong so as not to stand out, be different and be scared of.
The song is nice and I hope you can still have a copy of it and don't think it's immature or unsophisticated just because by the time you read this, there are other songs that you have heard that might be more catchy than the "Let It Go" song we both enjoy.
Just remember when you hear Queen Elsa singing that song in the movie, you and I both enjoyed it together. Sometimes you wrap your arm in momma's arm in bed while we watch it. It was the best Anak.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Is There Any Ouchy?
Why hide from Momma?
God has not given you to me just so I could make judgements on you.
I feel the need to take care of you. So please forgive mommy if sometimes, I get carried away and smother you. I didn't mean to.
At the age of three, you already have the tendency to hide "them" from me. "Them" meaning all the things that hurt you.
Via, I'm here so that you can talk to someone. I'll always be here to listen and try not to make judgement. I'll restrain myself from making my usual hysterics and outburst.
I know myself and I know that I can overreact more often than not. And when it comes to you, I overreact more intensely than others can. Forgive me, but it's because you are my child - I don't care how old you get.
But I'm promising myself not to be my usual self when you're around. I will try to hide my emotions for you. I'll do everything I can so as not to turn you away because right now, you are doing just that.
I don't understand why you won't show the "ouchy" or tell momma what happened. We're supposed to be the closest people because we've never been apart. I'm your mommy. I'm here to protect you.
I'd be an utter failure if you won't confide in me. I cannot be your momma if I don't know what's going on with my own daughter. I'd be like all the other mothers that I despised - seeming not to care about their own kids and seeming not to care about anyone but themselves.
Please learn how to confide in me. I'm here to listen.
God has not given you to me just so I could make judgements on you.
I feel the need to take care of you. So please forgive mommy if sometimes, I get carried away and smother you. I didn't mean to.
At the age of three, you already have the tendency to hide "them" from me. "Them" meaning all the things that hurt you.
Via, I'm here so that you can talk to someone. I'll always be here to listen and try not to make judgement. I'll restrain myself from making my usual hysterics and outburst.
I know myself and I know that I can overreact more often than not. And when it comes to you, I overreact more intensely than others can. Forgive me, but it's because you are my child - I don't care how old you get.
But I'm promising myself not to be my usual self when you're around. I will try to hide my emotions for you. I'll do everything I can so as not to turn you away because right now, you are doing just that.
I don't understand why you won't show the "ouchy" or tell momma what happened. We're supposed to be the closest people because we've never been apart. I'm your mommy. I'm here to protect you.
I'd be an utter failure if you won't confide in me. I cannot be your momma if I don't know what's going on with my own daughter. I'd be like all the other mothers that I despised - seeming not to care about their own kids and seeming not to care about anyone but themselves.
Please learn how to confide in me. I'm here to listen.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Via First
I think that's what our household is all about while you are growing up. Our priority is to provide all of your needs. We try to make room for you all the time. It's not only us that is wishing for your happiness. Even your grandparents (on my side of the family) is always on the lookout for your well-being.
However, this is not a reason for you to grow self-centred. We hope you give the same consideration that we are giving you. We are hoping but never forcing you to do so. Forcing you will probably do you no good.
It is actually easier for us to attain your happiness instead of ours. You have to remember, Via, that it is always easier to make other people happy than trying to make yourself happy. This holds so true. I don't know if many people will agree though.
There are so many problems in this world because people are selfish. So in order not to create further problems, make sure that you refrain from making yourself too happy. It creates trouble for everyone. I don't really mean that what makes you happy is bad. What I mean is a disregard for others feelings and well-being is bad.
This doesn't mean you have to disregard your own happiness. We didn't do all those sacrifices for you just so you could be unhappy. The key is balance.
You put yourself first ... among with other people. That is all.
However, this is not a reason for you to grow self-centred. We hope you give the same consideration that we are giving you. We are hoping but never forcing you to do so. Forcing you will probably do you no good.
It is actually easier for us to attain your happiness instead of ours. You have to remember, Via, that it is always easier to make other people happy than trying to make yourself happy. This holds so true. I don't know if many people will agree though.
There are so many problems in this world because people are selfish. So in order not to create further problems, make sure that you refrain from making yourself too happy. It creates trouble for everyone. I don't really mean that what makes you happy is bad. What I mean is a disregard for others feelings and well-being is bad.
This doesn't mean you have to disregard your own happiness. We didn't do all those sacrifices for you just so you could be unhappy. The key is balance.
You put yourself first ... among with other people. That is all.
Friday, January 24, 2014
World Of Violence
You must know this: Humanity has turned to violence.
If we become too strict with you while you are growing up, it's because I've seen my share of victims of violence in my lifetime.
Having to work in a trauma centre hospital, I encounter them every duty night. I have scanned patients who are victims of mauling, vehicular crashes and stab wounds. All of them barely breathing because of the pain inflicted on them. Some of them sputtering blood and vomit from their mouths. I don't mean to be graphic BUT YOU MUST KNOW THIS.
Before I had you, I wonder why people still want to have children when they know that this world is not anymore fit for any child. But I'm like other people, I wanted to have you. And you're father and I are doing our best to protect you from what we know could harm you tremendously without being able to regain what you would have lost. I know why we (along with other parents) would burden ourselves with this. It is purely unconditional love. I guess I know how at this point.
However, I believe that I was being selfish when I had you. We were taught in school that love is open to life. Your father and I love each other very much. And so God gave you to us because our love made me ask God for me to have you. (I hope by this time you would understand this.) It was selfish for me to think of my need to have you and not think of what I may be able to give you back when you're now here.
Fact is, I cannot protect you from this violent world.
What your father and I can only do is restrict you. However, you may not like restrictions (who does?) It would be very hard for me when the time comes when I have to let you go off on your own. I would be like my own mother. And I think you would hate me as much as I hate my own mother when I am smothering you like she does to me. Now I understand the worry. (karma is going to hit me big time)
All I want you to have is your safety and protection and your happiness. If you could have all three, then I'd be living and dying in peace.
All your father and I could do is bring you up as best as we could so that you are well-equipped to face this world's harsh reality.
Keep safe always Anak. Please. For momma.
If we become too strict with you while you are growing up, it's because I've seen my share of victims of violence in my lifetime.
Having to work in a trauma centre hospital, I encounter them every duty night. I have scanned patients who are victims of mauling, vehicular crashes and stab wounds. All of them barely breathing because of the pain inflicted on them. Some of them sputtering blood and vomit from their mouths. I don't mean to be graphic BUT YOU MUST KNOW THIS.
Before I had you, I wonder why people still want to have children when they know that this world is not anymore fit for any child. But I'm like other people, I wanted to have you. And you're father and I are doing our best to protect you from what we know could harm you tremendously without being able to regain what you would have lost. I know why we (along with other parents) would burden ourselves with this. It is purely unconditional love. I guess I know how at this point.
However, I believe that I was being selfish when I had you. We were taught in school that love is open to life. Your father and I love each other very much. And so God gave you to us because our love made me ask God for me to have you. (I hope by this time you would understand this.) It was selfish for me to think of my need to have you and not think of what I may be able to give you back when you're now here.
Fact is, I cannot protect you from this violent world.
What your father and I can only do is restrict you. However, you may not like restrictions (who does?) It would be very hard for me when the time comes when I have to let you go off on your own. I would be like my own mother. And I think you would hate me as much as I hate my own mother when I am smothering you like she does to me. Now I understand the worry. (karma is going to hit me big time)
All I want you to have is your safety and protection and your happiness. If you could have all three, then I'd be living and dying in peace.
All your father and I could do is bring you up as best as we could so that you are well-equipped to face this world's harsh reality.
Keep safe always Anak. Please. For momma.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Need A Little Break
Your irresponsible mother didn't go to work for two straight working days.
Your momma right now is a radiology resident on her third year. It's okay that she is doing so much work at work. Your momma is a masochist and she doesn't mind. What she minds is that she (along with her other batch mates) is doing most of the work while those ahead of her and those a year behind her are just roaming around the department pretending to be doing something.
I want you to know the value of work. Work with a purpose. Then, you will see how important your everyday tasks are.
It will definitely build your character. If it's not the tasks, it's the people who will make it more difficult than it is. Make it simple by focusing on what you are supposed to do. It would be hard to ignore the unnecessary because they will definitely try to get your attention. But you have to be strong enough to focus on what you should do and block whatever it is that is wasting your oh-so-precious time.
When you're working around people, you have to do your part. Even the menial tasks matter. You might think that they're not that necessary. However, in all kinds of structures, a weak post will topple the rest. You have to do it right. If you make a mistake and you cannot undo it (which is true in most cases), you have to do something right the next. Just remember: FIRST, DO NO HARM. But that doesn't mean doing nothing at all.
However, if your goal during your training (if ever you're going to enter this field) is compromised, then you have to do something. If your goal is earning money and your doing the exact opposite (after giving it a chance and enough time), you have to think of another way to reach the goal.
Today, even my batch mates are not at work. We have all decided that we leave the department alone on their own for now. It would have been better if it was a Monday so they would even feel the workload. I guess people get fed up with people too.
If you have to relieve yourself from the workplace, do it. But you have to come back and do more the next day. A break is not bad. It is actually a big help for you. Freshen up if you have to. It helps you to be more productive after being burnt out.
To make your life easy, you have to love your work. Most people don't have a choice when it comes to what work they will get into. If ever there comes a time that this happens to you, please bear in mind that your work does not define you, you have to define your work. You have to make it good. If it entails a lot of strength and a lot of time, make sure it is worth it.
I love my work because I love my family - you and Papa. I'm supposed to be working for your future but what is actually happening is that I'm working for today. Earning is very hard. And getting by everyday is a miracle. For now, we are poor. I don't know for how long. I truly pray that there will be work for me everyday for you.
By now you understand what work is (somehow). Whenever we say goodbye to you in bed very early in the morning, Papa explains to you that we have to go to work to buy milk, to buy toys, to buy all the things you want and need. Sometimes, you say it yourself. Papa doesn't need to repeat it. You know that work gives what you need. You're smart like that. And so it makes it more easier to leave you because you understand.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
National Anthem
They must have been teaching you the National Anthem in school because that's your favourite song these days. You go around the house singing your heart out.
Today, we were in the supermarket and I went away for a minute to look for something. When I was trying to go back to you and papa, it was easy for me because I can hear you sing it a couple of feet away. I knew you were both around because I, along with the other Sunday grocers, can hear you sing and actually babble the lyrics that are somewhat incomprehensible.
Today, we were in the supermarket and I went away for a minute to look for something. When I was trying to go back to you and papa, it was easy for me because I can hear you sing it a couple of feet away. I knew you were both around because I, along with the other Sunday grocers, can hear you sing and actually babble the lyrics that are somewhat incomprehensible.
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